The windows are open since the temps are warm this September. I'm sitting looking at the verdant hills surrounding me and taking stock of all the has happened since my last post. I guess I needed a break to digest and integrate it. The biggest change is that my Honey and I put our Italian apartment/ condo on the market after nearly five years living here. We plan to move back to the states once it sells and relocate to Jacksonville, FL. The decision bubbled up after our vacation there in July/ August, being with family and having our grands (now 11 and 7 1/2) on our own for two weeks.
The easy reason to point to is the realization that I'm too far away from those who mean the most to me. Add to that the growing surety that Italians, as much as I have felt welcomed by them, enjoyed them and learned important life lessons from them, are not my tribe. I'm ready to volunteer in something I find meaningful and I'd like to have options that fit my skills, my perspectives, and can be expressed and understood without translation, figuratively and literally speaking. I might be able to shape such an endeavor here but it seems more monumental than I'd like at this time in my life. When I think about where I'd like to grow old and die, I know in my heart of hearts it's not here.
Sinking down a level, I want to be where those around me reflect the diversity in my own family. I want my family to feel at home when they visit, feel met and mirrored, feel comfortable. In my immediate family that means more people of color, bi-racial couples and mixed race kids. In my extended family it means more openly, comfortably gay individuals and couples and more complex families with fostered, adopted, blended and special needs kids. More basically, I'd like to be where my extended family can afford to visit. I cherish the diversity in my own family and I want to have that around me day to day.
There's more, I suspect, in the inner restlessness and eagerness to be living differently, more authentically. I, nonetheless, feel surprised by this change. I was going along feeling happy and delighted and then I wasn't. Makes me sad given how much I've loved living here and the good friends I've made. How does this just change from one day to another?
(photo by Grazian Romanelli of our city and its dragon)
If you have decided to align yourself with your values - which include many more people than just you - you're moving in that direction. I commend you! And how fortunate that you've had this time in Italy.
ReplyDeleteAnd as the values shift, the alignment needs to shift as well. I do feel fortunate for the rich blessings of Italy.
DeleteAdding to my first comment, I'm looking at your "About Me" section. "I'm leaving behind a too little self in the belief that a fuller self will emerge. I'm eager to see what is to be born from me." Your fuller self must be emerging.
ReplyDeleteI hope all these phases lead to that fuller self!
DeleteI agree with Linda: you are coming into your fuller self! And to be near your family, that's worth a lot. And five years in Italy has become part of who you are today. I look forward to hearing how it all plays out. :-)
ReplyDeleteAs do I. When I first moved to Italy, I started my blog to stay aware of the journey and chronicle it. After this break, I'm ready to do that again.
DeleteI'd been thinking about you, hoping you were well. Italy sounds idyllic, but you have so much more real-life adventure waiting for you on this side of the Atlantic. Transitions are exhausting, temporarily, but they are the way forward. Congratulations on your decision and good luck with your move!
ReplyDeleteDo you like the cloud in the photo that I thinks looks like a dragon? Made me smile. I'm well, eager for new adventures and hoping our home sells since it's the first domino to fall. Yes, we'll be on the same side of the Atlantic!
Deletei do understand that you wanna be where your family and grandkids are... it's funny how things can change so quickly and it's good i think to follow your heart...smiles.. i would love to live for a few years in another country but in the end i think home is hope...and there is that kind of tidal pull...smiles
ReplyDeleteThe pull is strong, so I'm following the energy.
Deletewow big time life change...but it sounds like it is for the right reasons as well...i understand the pull of family and desire to be near them....very cool as well on the diversity of your family...i think that is great to have,,,,its great to see you again as well...smiles.
ReplyDeleteGood to be back, Brian, and to hear from you. Thanks for staying in touch.
ReplyDeleteFive years adventure and living was nice... (dreamed of)... but time and the heart has a mind of its own. One can always vacation and travel, but family is usually "home".
ReplyDeleteIt has been a grand adventure but home is calling.
DeleteThings change. Life changes. Circumstances, feelings & what's important changes. I would totally want to be near my grandchildren, if I had any, and understand that need completely. Meanwhile, change is good. My husband and I have been in N.H. 16 years. This is the longest we've lived anywhere in our entire marriage. The boys are travelling Down Under and my husband and I are ready ready for a change. Unfortunately, I'm the bread winner with a very good job, my 86 MIL lives with us, and we aren't going anywhere anytime soon.
ReplyDeleteEmbrace it!
We lived in California for 14 yrs. which was the longest for us. Sounds like difficult circumstances are holding you in place. We're fortunate to be more mobile at this point although we have no idea how long it will take to sell the house. Bless you for caring for your MIL.
DeleteYou have really thought through your decision. I respect and admire the way you have allowed yourself to come to the conclusions you have. I don't know how we change our minds so quickly when things seem just as they should be in our lives, and then suddenly they are not. It is good to know that we seriously consider all of our options and soundly weigh why or why not it makes sense to change our minds in relation to where we want to be in our world. I am totally in awe of how you have done this and how well you articulate your deepest held beliefs. I think I'll consult you the next time I need to work through a life changing decision. Seriously. Bravo for you. I hope the condo sells quickly and that at just the right moment in time, you are back among your tribe.
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