Let's (Really) Talk

Sometimes we need to stop, clear away other responsibilities, make time, set the time and just talk. Yesterday was such a time for John and me. We can tell it's time when little things become way bigger than they really are. Like when we're arguing about which piece of mail should be left on top of the pile, each of us defending our opinion! It's probably definitely not about the mail pile. When I'm feeling misunderstood and under-appreciated, chances are he is too (he was).

So we finally sat down outside on these yellow chairs with a glass of wine and talked about what's really going on in our heads and our hearts. It started as silly bickering but finally shifted into the deeper sharing that brings us closer. It reminded me of the song by Angela Lansbury in "Beauty and the Beast" that describes the fight to be right and the line: "...then someone bends unexpectedly" which someone must do so real listening, sharing and loving can happen. It did.

Sometimes it's John who bends, steps one small step off the reiteration of the same complaints and instead picks up on what I might mean in what I'm saying. Last evening, it was me who took the step. I heard John say that he had an unexpected reaction to an important email. "You did? What was it, sounds like it might have been hard for you." It changed the whole dynamic and we started really communicating with each other rather than defending our positions.

My beloved husband recognized a new dimension he thinks he's entering that scared him in its implication. I got to hear about it and him and it was so much more interesting and vital than whatever we were doing before that point. It brought me closer to him and more supportive of him in the difficult choices he now gets to make. I love that part of being a life partner, the part when I get to see the world through wholly other eyes and have my world expanded.

In 36 years of marriage we've had this experience many times but it's always thrilling to me. It's built up my trust that we can do it yet again when we need to- once I get over myself and my friggin persistent need to be right! "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" I ask myself. My higher self knows the best answer.

It works for us. What works best for you?