Dear Mary Fran

Dear Mary Fran,

What a brave girl you are. You see injustice and jump in to right the wrongs. You let bullies know that they won't get away with picking on younger or weaker kids. You've gone to school on how to fight by watching the bigger boys carefully and learning their moves. You've kept yourself from getting hurt in your fights that way. Good for you. Your brothers and your girl friends are a little safer because of you. I admire you, your spunk, your loyalty to those you love, your belief that if something needs to be done then you'll do it. I can tell you that you're setting the foundation for our future.

I'm sorry about the change in messages that happened when you were 10 and moved to Malden Highlands to live with two aunts. All that stuff about being a good girl and a  proper young lady got you mixed up, mad and sad for quite awhile. I know you had lots more freedom in the Projects, that you got to do things more your way there. Mom was depressed and unable to be very present in those years and Dad was more focused on our brothers. It gave you the chance to call your own shots. You watched those around you and learned how to take care of yourself. And others. You came and went as you pleased without much adult interference. I know how much you liked that. You did a good job growing yourself up. 

Here's what I know now, that's it's also okay to lean on others, to even expect them to take care of you sometimes. Adults are supposed to do that for their kids. You ended up thinking you could do a better job in the taking care department than anyone else. But here's the thing, you were only 5 or 6 or 7 or 8 or 9 and too young to have that burden on your small shoulders. Remember the feeling you had every once in awhile when you didn't know what to do? Or that time when Uncle Joe came to the house after you had had an argument with Mom and he wanted to hug you?  You couldn't allow that although you wanted to be comforted, and finally, since your back was to him, you leaned your head back on his chest. Remember how good that felt? It's like that to share your burdens with someone who loves you. 

I know Mom and Dad love you but they're a little overwhelmed by their circumstances and they think you're doing just fine. Only you can tell or show them differently. You'll get better at that when you get older but I want you to know that I see it was hard for you and you had your reputation to uphold. You took on a lot. It will become your strength of character later and allow you great and tenacious compassion for the underdog. You'll build a career around those strengths. You'll also have a lot to learn. I know you don't feel smart because you don't do as well in school as our brothers, but, girl, you are smart! You'll come to believe that later in life.

You're going to have an amazing life- you'll meet and marry the most loving man and the best friend imaginable who'll love you totally. You'll have a daughter (yes, just one, although you want more now) who you'll love like crazy and be great friends with when you're both adults. You'll have two grandkids that you'll fall utterly in love with and who will challenge and delight you. You'll have a career in nursing (just like you want now) that you'll cherish, get your master's degree (yes, you!) so you can learn what you need to know about how to care for those with mental illness (don't worry, you'll feel right at home). You'll have four great girl friends who'll remain friends all through the years and enrich your life immensely (just like yours do now). You'll travel (just like you want) and get to know people all over the world, you'll get back into running  and love it (just like you do now) and you'll get back to loving your body (like you do now) after some goofy years of not liking it. See? You're already my teacher in so much. I'll have to remember a lot what you already know.

All that you've done so far will be a BIG part of allowing our abundant life to happen (with a lot of help from friends along the way). So relax a little, be a kid, have fun. You're a terrific girl. I like you lots and love you dearly. I appreciate all you've done to try to care for yourself. I'm coming. I'll help.

Love always,

Mary

A letter to my young self after sifting through photos recently for an ancestors book I put together and stirring up some very old memories. Posted for Fireblossom in Postmark: Poetry over at Imaginary Gardens with Real Toads who asked us, among other things, to write an old fashioned letter.