The Gathering, 2009

About the whole quantity/ quality time together thing: quality takes quantity. I saw this year how 6 years of gathering has lead to deeper sharing more quickly. Let me explain.

6 years ago, after moving back to the east coast from California, I wanted to reconnect with my then adult nieces. I had fallen out of contact after 14 years on the west coast. I had no relationship at all with the younger ones.

I also wanted to set up a forum where we could heal the wounds of our family. Grandchildren were coming so the cycle of violence needed to end. I hoped we could end it together.

I joined with my 2 sisters-in-law (my husband's sister and my younger brother's wife) and we put out a call to my daughter, my older brother's 5 daughters and my younger brother's 3 daughters. I wasn't sure how many would come since they lived all over the USA and in Trinidad. I explained what I hoped to initiate and, to my amazement, all 9 young women came for a 3 day gathering in Maine. I called it "the nieces gathering" and they called it "the cousins gathering" but all agreed on the importance of healing ourselves and our family for our own benefit and the benefit of our next generation (1 daughter in each family had a child by then).

We had a theme (Celebrating Women in Family) and an agenda to facilitate sharing. We also had fun activities and down time to just hang out and reconnect. It was a fabulous time. We shared our stories, laughed and cried together and made ceremonies for our healing. Everyone either came early or stayed late to extend our time together.

Well, against all odds, we've all met every year since! 3 times in Maine, twice in Florida and once in Philadelphia. We've Celebrated Love, Generations, Change, Transitions and Passion. We've grown closer, helped my husband's sister die, had more babies, loves, divorces, and a marriage. Both crones turned 60. I've grown closer to these amazing young women and admire their commitment to themselves and to one another. They've grown closer to one another and support each other during the rest of the year as well. They're friends.

And, yes, healing has happened along the way. From the first year when most of the talk was about past hurts to this year when the past hardly came up. Everyone is now focused on herself and growing in the ways that each one thinks is best. And have I said how remarkable they are? How I have come to treasure my relationship with them? How fortunate I count myself?

The photo above is our latest gathering (October, 09) and the one above that is the first. I'm grateful for this gathering. I'm glad we've taken the time together.

3 Weeks With Family and Friends

I need to find a way to publish posts in the midst of 3 week vacations. Otherwise, here it is, too long since my last post and so much to share. It was a happy whirlwind of a time in the USA. Some things I learned:

- I hope I have my father's constitution. He's a sharp, healthy (except for some unsteadiness on his feet) 93 year old who knows more about current events than I do. He goes dancing twice a week leaning on his cane and his dance partner!

- Rings worn for a long time can carry the energy of the one who wore them. My Dad gave me my mother's engagement ring, which she wore for 54 years, and I felt her presence when I put it on.

- Old friends are the best when it comes to deeply sharing. Had a wonderful time with friends of 35 years in New Hampshire. It started the vacation well to just hang out and talk, really talk, about what's going on, where I'm at and where I'm going. There's a kind of listening that good friends can bring to a conversation that supports, challenges and brings clarity.

- Some girlfriends are great to go shopping with.

- Fall in New England is nature in her most spectacular colors. This year the leaves were gorgeous!

- It's fun to party with friends from a few years ago to check in and see where our various paths have led us.

- People are generous by nature when given the chance to be.

- Whoever made the distinction between quality time being better than quantity time missed the point. We need quantity time to achieve quality time. More about that in my next post but just having a good stretch of time together without a heavy agenda can lead to deepening relationships.

- Grandchildren are surely sweet rewards from the goddess! Is there anything better than early morning snuggles and giggles with a 7 and 3 1/2 year old?

- Love is the generous gift of the universe and inspires awe in its presence! It brings hope, joy and never gets old. Helping young lovers celebrate their commitment to each other is a privilege and a duty to support our loved ones as others supported us.

- 6 years of circling together and sharing deepens the bonds among the gatherers and the personal growth of each participant (more about this, too, in the next post). Can families heal themselves so that the present and next generation can be healthier? Yes they can!

- Being with family that love and honor you changes your perception of yourself.

- It's good to be home and now have time to mine the deep meaning of this rich time. I sense it holds important answers on my mission and role.

Read Blogs!

I saw a quote by Jay Rosen: "Blogs are little first amendment machines." I like that! The more blogs I read the more I realize the truth of that. People are sharing their world view directly with each other. We're showing up, paying attention and telling the truth. Put them all together and get the bigger ( and truer) picture of what's going on in our world of ordinary folks than the news can ever portray. So, do your part to preserve freedom of speech- read blogs!

Elderbloggers

I'd like to introduce a new group I'm part of: elderbloggers. I'm excited to find peers who are sharing their journeys and to show just how many there are of us. Makes me feel less alone in this process and gives me good ideas of how others are negotiating the challenges of this life phase. Take a look and prepare to be amazed! Just click on the button to the side of this blog site that says: "Elderbloggers".

Acorn Teachers

I was listening to an interview with Angeles Arrien today about her book: "The Second Half of Life". She talked about the importance of coming back into nature's rhythm of medium to slow in the second half of our life. Deepening and integrating, two of the tasks of this life phase, can only happen at this pace.
I passed an oak tree full of acorns at that point and saw the medium-to-slow analogy graphically. I picked a few to bring home and remind myself of this message. Italy is a good place to learn this.

It's In Hand!

We have our Permesso di Soggiorno! Only 5 months from the time we applied. It is the official "permission" to stay in Italy, in our case as elective residents. It gives us what we need to apply for our residency through our town which is the final, final thing we need to be residents of Italy. Hooray! It gives us status, eligibility for the health care system and a sense that we now belong. All good things.
We got it with a lot of help from a lot of people (you know who you are but a special THANKS to Emily and Enzo, our mentors, guardian angels and all around good buddies!).
You have to rely more on friends when in a foreign country and thus operating out of your usual knowledge/comfort zone. It's humbling but I think it's important learning for me in this life phase.
I'm reading "The Second Half of Life" by Angeles Arrien, subtitled "Opening The Eight Gates of Wisdom". The first gate heralds the mystery of a new beginning or adventure and offers an opportunity to reexamine the wisdom we have gathered over time. I'm loving this book! In her questions for reflection after the first chapter, Angeles asks where we experience the spirit of fluency in our lives. She uses that word: fluency! Right away I thought about the fact that I'm learning a new language and feeling very unfluent. But I got excited that this process of learning Italian will teach me vital things about myself and the spirit of fluency in my life. I really needed this insight to motivate me just now to be a fluent Italian speaker.

Comfort Zone

"Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone."
I'm there, at the edge of my comfort zone. And, of course, it's uncomfortable. Everything is okay until something goes a little haywire and I worry how I will explain it or how it will get resolved or if it will. I'm the outsider here in this different culture with it's different mores and different language that I'm just learning.
So far, things have gone well and everything has been settled as it needs to be. (Wow, it's powerful to see that in print.) Then why am I concerned? I think it's about this vague but very real lack of comfort that comes with being, well, at the edge of my comfort zone.
I don't know any way around this. Other than to stay in the present, remind myself of the truth of how things have gone and be grateful for what is. I espouse the values of the Damanhur community in Turin, Italy: sensitivity, optimism and friendship. I have the opportunity to live these out here in Italy on this new journey. These are important things to learn out here at the edge. Maybe this is the best place to learn them.

Joy

As I was sitting in my favorite chair reading, drinking tea and feeling the sun on my back, I turned around and caught these photos of the beach glass. This simple thing brought me such joy.