Back Home

After three months on the road consulting at Crossroads in Antigua, visiting my daughter and her family in Trinidad, running a half marathon in Florida and, finally, touring this last week in Rome, I'm home. It feels good even though the weather is unseasonably cold (40's - 50's in the day). Being away puts home in an important perspective.

I had a good time away. I like winter in the Caribbean and Florida. I liked helping Crossroads further improve the world class services they offer, I liked training and running with my daughter for the half marathon for breast cancer treatment and research. I liked talking and playing scrabble with her. I liked the luxury of time in the every day life of my grands to play and talk with them. The days in Florida gave me precious time with nieces, great nieces and nephews, my sister-in-law and ten extra days with my daughter and the grands, as well as a chance to plan our yearly family gathering next summer.

My Honey was with me for about one month of the three giving me two months without him to think, write and have more individual alone time than I've had in our 37 years together. I liked it. It was time to mine riches. More about that later.

And I like being home now. I appreciate both my home and my Honey more deeply. I want to be here. With him. I like my life as we have created it. In this place. I don't yet know all the reasons I'm here, but I'm confident I will in the right time. At the end of my travels, I have a sense of peace and serenity that  sustains me. I'm grateful for this unexpected and altogether lovely gift.

What's It All About?

I've not posted in a while and I've been thinking about what I really want to post. This started as a blog about my journey into elderhood, keeping as aware of the process as I am able. My move to Italy happened at the same time and that's been amazing in and of itself for me. So, sometimes my posts are travelogues and sometimes more about the journey. Which brings up the question of what to focus on.

After 1 year in Italy (this month) John wrote a newsletter for family and friends that summarized the biggest lessons we've learned in our first year: 1. The people are amazing! 2. Developing a network of friends is critical (corollary of #1). 3. Everything in Italy takes longer than expected. 4. Learning a new language in our 60's takes longer than we imagined (corollary of #3). 5. It is wonderful to be surrounded by such scenic beauty and rich history. He sat down and whipped those out in a short time. He's like that.

Just the writing with him of lessons learned made me wonder- "What's it all about, Alfie?" for me? Where am I on this journey 1 year down the line? What makes me the happiest? In my writing? In my life these days? What gets my juices flowing? Have I developed the focus I wanted when I first retired 1 year ago? Good questions but not many answers, though I wish there were. Meanwhile, I spent the entire day in Rome yesterday and saw such achingly beautiful paintings (Carvaggio), such beautiful places (Trevi Fountain, St. Peters, Piazza Navona), and such ancient history (the Apian Way, the original walls of Rome) that I wanted to weep, laugh and sit quietly to take it all in- all at once! Which keeps on happening this year and makes me want to write about it and makes me wonder if I've lost focus and....

So here I am, feeling awed, grateful and a little lost. I thought I would have more of a sense of what my next step should be by now. I love my life and I sense there's more expected of me, more to give. Is that left over catholic guilt or premonition? I don't know. I don't like not knowing so I'm more tempted to fill up the pages with adventures in Italy, but it's not just about adventures, is it? Isn't there something more important than adventures? Or should this be in praise of adventures? And isn't it unseemly to be this unsure at my age?

I'm doing the things that are in front of me to do: 1. growing with, loving and traveling with my husband, 2. becoming a full resident of this new and lovely country, 3. becoming closer to and cheering on my amazing daughter and nieces, 4. being an unconditional grandchild lover, 4. reading and writing on topics I find inspiring. Meanwhile, I'm cultivating presence to uncertainty and ambiguity these days and paying attention to what else comes my way. I hope I'm paying close enough attention so I find the way for me to serve, to find what else is to be born from me. I want to leave behind a too little self and allow full emergence into my self.

Is it just me that thinks this way? What do you think?

View From My Balcony

The view from the balcony is spectacular the last few days. The sky is clear from a hum-dinger thunder and lightening storm the other night that washed the foschia ( a haze that's not quite fog) away. The remarkable blue serves as a perfect backdrop to the mountains that are visible down to the smallest feature which is amazing given that we can see the whole Apenine range. The sea on the east is such a lovely color, deeper than the blue of the sky and shaded with 3 distinct hues. I was reading at the table yesterday and got absorbed in my book. When I looked up it took my breath away.
Sitting in silence in the presence of this view fills me up, much like the workshop did, and gives me courage. I had my fist conversation with a friend to ask her about getting together to talk about what our role is as women elders. I had some trepidation doing it since we hadn't really talked at that depth before. But it went well and she said she had been wanting to talk at a deeper level with other women. We're discussing now about who we might include for our first gathering. It's a good start.